Are Relationships Worth the Work?

Last week I turned 46 years old. One would think that as we get older things in life should be easier and make more sense. Unfortunately, I am not finding this to be true. If you look to my personal information on my Facebook profile you will see that one of my interests is healthy relationships. I sometimes wonder about this...


The year 2005 was a real game changer for me. When the year began I was a church planter with the Northwest Baptist Association in Liberty Lake, WA. The best part was, for the first time in my life I was doing something that I wanted to do. Two months later I found my world turned upside down; I was out of a job, out of ministry, out of money, and not sure if I would still be married for very long. It was the worst year of my life…

One year later, in the Spring of 2006 I found myself out of a (paying) job, out of a ministry (on paper), and pretty much out of money. The biggest difference was that with the help of a good marriage and family therapist (and a whole lot of prayer) my marriage and relationship with Yvonne was restored and very much healed.

So, what happened??? Well, skipping a whole lot of details (and about six months of Hell), someone decided to invest himself in me, and then in our marriage. Doug was our counselor, and the help that he gave to us allowed both Yvonne and me to make changes in ourselves to become better people. Some consequent reflection on the changes in our lives, and how they came about, has led both of us to set a new course in life so we can help others in the same manner that Doug helped us.

The question in my head today is: Why have relationships become so difficult since we have made that decision? We have had major “issues” with our extended family and with friends that just one year ago we spent every weekend with! What is the deal???

After some more reflection I think that it might be two things: 1) Real, genuine relationships take work and 2) People don’t cope well with change, especially families! Here is some of what I have learned on my journey:

Beyond the cliché, relationships do take work! Some people are just not up to the task. There will inevitably be conflict in any relationship. Off the top of my head I can think of three ways to “deal” with conflict: 1. Pretend it isn’t there (which may involve a lot of stuffing), 2. Walk away from the relationship (which suggests that relationships are disposable-not a good habit to get into) and 3. Do the work to resolve the conflict (which usually takes effective communication, listening, honesty, humility, and introspection).

Change comes easier to some than others. Often within a family dynamic when one individual changes a lifestyle or behavior it does not bode well with the other members of that family. Sometimes this is called homeostasis. Homeostasis is defined as: the tendency of a system, esp. the physiological system of higher animals, to maintain internal stability. The term “family homeostasis” is used by psychologists to describe how families resist change and seek to maintain redundant patterns of behavior.

So, we find ourselves in conflict and getting nowhere fast. Those whom we are in conflict have chosen to: 1) Not do the (sometimes) hard work of having an honest relationship-the one time I did get honest with the person sent her into tears-so it is easier to dispose with the relationship. 2) Resist change and strive to maintain homeostasis because they were happy with the long time status quo and the roles each family member played.

I asked my working partner Ted if my life had too much drama. He answered me the next day by saying that I should consider the direction that I have chosen to work in. He said that I should expect challenges and growth to come my way. For some strange reason I thought that having healthy relationships would come easy. I am learning that it is not solely the marriage relationship that takes two willing partners to work.

The changes that came to me beginning in 2005, to make me a better person, and the changes that have come Yvonne's way, have made things tougher. I never did expect the irony, that the positives in our lives would create tensions and so much conflict. The positive is that there is no substitution for personal experience, which we are getting our share of.