Are Relationships Worth the Work?

Last week I turned 46 years old. One would think that as we get older things in life should be easier and make more sense. Unfortunately, I am not finding this to be true. If you look to my personal information on my Facebook profile you will see that one of my interests is healthy relationships. I sometimes wonder about this...


The year 2005 was a real game changer for me. When the year began I was a church planter with the Northwest Baptist Association in Liberty Lake, WA. The best part was, for the first time in my life I was doing something that I wanted to do. Two months later I found my world turned upside down; I was out of a job, out of ministry, out of money, and not sure if I would still be married for very long. It was the worst year of my life…

One year later, in the Spring of 2006 I found myself out of a (paying) job, out of a ministry (on paper), and pretty much out of money. The biggest difference was that with the help of a good marriage and family therapist (and a whole lot of prayer) my marriage and relationship with Yvonne was restored and very much healed.

So, what happened??? Well, skipping a whole lot of details (and about six months of Hell), someone decided to invest himself in me, and then in our marriage. Doug was our counselor, and the help that he gave to us allowed both Yvonne and me to make changes in ourselves to become better people. Some consequent reflection on the changes in our lives, and how they came about, has led both of us to set a new course in life so we can help others in the same manner that Doug helped us.

The question in my head today is: Why have relationships become so difficult since we have made that decision? We have had major “issues” with our extended family and with friends that just one year ago we spent every weekend with! What is the deal???

After some more reflection I think that it might be two things: 1) Real, genuine relationships take work and 2) People don’t cope well with change, especially families! Here is some of what I have learned on my journey:

Beyond the cliché, relationships do take work! Some people are just not up to the task. There will inevitably be conflict in any relationship. Off the top of my head I can think of three ways to “deal” with conflict: 1. Pretend it isn’t there (which may involve a lot of stuffing), 2. Walk away from the relationship (which suggests that relationships are disposable-not a good habit to get into) and 3. Do the work to resolve the conflict (which usually takes effective communication, listening, honesty, humility, and introspection).

Change comes easier to some than others. Often within a family dynamic when one individual changes a lifestyle or behavior it does not bode well with the other members of that family. Sometimes this is called homeostasis. Homeostasis is defined as: the tendency of a system, esp. the physiological system of higher animals, to maintain internal stability. The term “family homeostasis” is used by psychologists to describe how families resist change and seek to maintain redundant patterns of behavior.

So, we find ourselves in conflict and getting nowhere fast. Those whom we are in conflict have chosen to: 1) Not do the (sometimes) hard work of having an honest relationship-the one time I did get honest with the person sent her into tears-so it is easier to dispose with the relationship. 2) Resist change and strive to maintain homeostasis because they were happy with the long time status quo and the roles each family member played.

I asked my working partner Ted if my life had too much drama. He answered me the next day by saying that I should consider the direction that I have chosen to work in. He said that I should expect challenges and growth to come my way. For some strange reason I thought that having healthy relationships would come easy. I am learning that it is not solely the marriage relationship that takes two willing partners to work.

The changes that came to me beginning in 2005, to make me a better person, and the changes that have come Yvonne's way, have made things tougher. I never did expect the irony, that the positives in our lives would create tensions and so much conflict. The positive is that there is no substitution for personal experience, which we are getting our share of.

So, who is this about???

OK, it has been exactly three weeks since I have had any “me” time, and thanks to a plumber holding Ted and me up on our job today, I now have some time to sit, think, and write! The last few weeks have been quite eventful for my family and myself, and have given me cause to process some weighty issues concerning family, friends, and relationships.


About three weeks ago my daughter Jenn became engaged to be married to Andrew Kornoff. This is a good thing! The challenge is that they have set the date to be September 4th of this year, which affords only about eighteen weeks to pull it off. It promises to be a fast and furious four months!

We have done the “meet the parents” thing with the Kornoffs over dinner, and at a very organized strategy briefing a week or so later. It is so much fun watching Jenn and Andy working together on all their wedding-type stuff as they morph from individuals into a couple right before our eyes. Last weekend we had the opportunity to get to know our daughter’s future in-laws a little better. We had the occasion to attend Andy’s dinner to celebrate his graduation from Western State Law on Saturday evening, followed up by Jenn and Andy’s engagement party, hosted by the Kornoff’s on Sunday.

The downer to this whole thing is that we have a member of our extended family who showed up and cast a dark shadow over the engagement party. As we all know families can be weird, and too often have more drama and conflict within them what one would consider to be healthy. This person unexpectedly showed up (she did not RSVP) and brought a life’s worth of anger, bitterness, and discontent with her. This person’s behavior was capped off by the choice to confront my wife about something - in the hallway between the kitchen and family room, in my daughter’s future in-law’s home, in sight of the entire party. This was about the most inappropriate behavior I have ever witnessed. This person chose to bring her bitterness, and her agenda into a setting that was intended to celebrate the engagement of a young couple. She chose to make this occasion about her, and her issues.

In addition to our busy social calendar, my work has taken up quite a bit of time the last two weeks. I have been working with my buddy Ted installing tile floors and a new shower for a wonderful woman in Mission Viejo over the past two weeks. I want to explain what I meant when I said my work “has taken up quite a bit of time” earlier. Our customer, Dianna, is a woman in her sixties (I guess, would never ask), who tirelessly cares for her disabled husband Roger. Roger has a neurological disorder prohibiting him from using his muscles, leaving him bed and wheelchair bound for the past three or four years. She does everything for him.

Dianna has not been the easiest customer to work for. Ted and I figure that the combination of indecision and unpreparedness have cost us at least a day and a half on this job. We have both found ourselves frustrated and stressed at our lack of progress caused by factors that are out of our control. On Monday or Tuesday we were discussing this job and our frustrations when we came to the conclusion that maybe this job was not about us, or our expectations, or our schedule. But, maybe this job was about someone else. Someone who is in a place in life that she never would have conceived she would find herself in. Someone who’s role in life has dramatically changed, who’s dreams have been quashed, who’s plans for retirement and travel with her husband of forty-plus years have been stolen from her.

Borrowing from Donald Miller, maybe this whole thing isn’t about how much Mike and Ted will earn, or how quickly I can move on to my next job, or how much time I can have for my studies. Maybe right now Dianna isn’t the bit part player in my life’s story. Maybe I am the small character in her story. I believe that my part is to be an encourager to someone who needs every bit of encouragement she can get, and to ensure that her needs are met.

Sadly, what I am sharing with you is what I have become convicted of; these are not anecdotes coming from some sort of victory. In Matthew chapter 20 Jesus says: Whoever wants to be great must become a servant. Whoever wants to be first among you must be your slave. That is what the Son of Man has done: He came to serve, not be served… I think that a big part of being a servant is having the mindset that says “it might not be all about me.” The events of the past week have proven this to be true to me.